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Sh*t I Wish Someone Told Me About Perimenopause


The Real Symptoms of Perimenopause No One Warns You About

Let me back up. Recently, I woke up sweating through my sheets, convinced I was dying — or possessed. Then came the bloating, the insomnia, the daily 3 p.m. urge to throat-punch someone. My doctor shrugged and said, "Welcome to perimenopause."


Excuse me?


Turns out, there’s no welcome basket. No roadmap. Just a hormonal rollercoaster strapped to a freight train running on fumes. And unless you’ve been hiding in a cave, you know this isn’t some cute transitional phase. It’s a full-body, full-life renovation.

So, here it is — my unfiltered survival guide. Because someone should’ve told us. And since they didn’t, I will.


1. Rage Isn’t Optional — It’s a Feature


Let’s start here. I went from mild annoyance to full-blown rage monster faster than a toddler denied a juice box. Like, full body tension, chest pounding, red-mist kind of fury — over someone breathing too loud.


WTF is this? Estrogen affects serotonin and dopamine — the good mood hormones. When estrogen bails, so do your coping skills. That thing your partner does that used to be quirky? Now it makes you fantasize about arson.


Here’s the deal:


  • You’re not a bad person.

  • You’re not losing it.

  • You’re just being chemically ambushed.


Tools that help: lifting heavy things, screaming into a pillow, therapy, magnesium, and unapologetically protecting your peace.


2. Sweat is Your New Perfume


I’ve never sweat like this in my life. I wake up drenched. I get hot flashes standing still. I’ve had to change outfits mid-Zoom call. The worst part? It’s unpredictable.


Blame the hypothalamus. When estrogen drops, it confuses your brain’s thermostat, making it think you’re overheating when you’re not. So it sends in the sweat brigade.


Unfiltered hacks:

  • Get a cooling pillow (yes, it exists)

  • Wear natural fibers (polyester is your enemy now)

  • Keep a fan on your nightstand and in your purse

  • Own the sweat. People see you glowing? That’s your power erupting


3. Anxiety Arrives Uninvited


I’ve never been an anxious person. Suddenly, I’m lying awake, heart racing, mind spiraling over absolutely nothing. Grocery lists. Weird texts. The climate crisis. You name it. Politics (that's a real one these days).


Here’s why: Cortisol spikes + estrogen dips = nervous system chaos. Welcome to the cortisol cocktail.


Reality check:


  • You’re not broken.

  • You’re not dramatic.

  • You’re chemically compromised and emotionally overloaded.


Breathe deep. Try journaling. Meditate even if you hate it. Call your doctor. And remember — this will pass. Eventually.


4. Your Period Will Gaslight You


I bled through my jeans at Target once. Thought I was done with periods. Joke’s on me. Sometimes they’re gone for months. Sometimes they arrive like a Quentin Tarantino bloodbath.


Why? Irregular ovulation = inconsistent progesterone. It’s hormonal roulette.


Track it anyway. Even if it’s erratic. It gives you power, and helps you flag when something isn’t just hormones.


And always keep backup underwear. Trust me.


5. B.O. Will Betray You


One day I smelled something… earthy. Musky. Like a locker room on a humid day. Spoiler: it was me.


What’s happening? Hormones affect your apocrine sweat glands, especially when paired with stress.


The fix:

  • Clean deodorant is great, if it works for you.

  • Magnesium can help reduce odor.

  • Try chlorophyll drops (apparently they taste like grass, but work, I will be picking them up soon)


No shame in reapplying mid-day. Or owning the funk. You’re literally sweating out patriarchy.


6. The Hair Situation is Wild


You’ll lose it where you want it and grow it where you don’t. My scalp is thinning, and my chin now auditions for wizard status.


Why? Estrogen drops, testosterone rises. It’s basic hormone math, and the math is mean.


What helps:

  • Dermaplaning + a good razor

  • Hair growth oils (rosemary, castor)

  • Internal: check your iron, D, and thyroid levels

  • Confidence. Own the fuzz or laser it — either way, it’s your face.


7. Sleep is a Myth Now


You either can’t fall asleep, wake up wired at 2 a.m., or nap like a toddler in random 20-minute spurts. You’re tired but wired. Classic perimenopause insomnia.


Why: Your circadian rhythm gets jacked by hormone fluctuations and stress. Night sweats don’t help.


Try this combo:

  • Keep your room freezing

  • White noise machine + blackout curtains

  • Get outside early for morning light (it helps melatonin)

And forgive your foggy brain. You’re not failing — you’re operating on fumes.


8. Your Body Will Feel… Foreign


Your jeans don’t fit, your joints ache, your skin feels tight. You think, “Is this it? Is this who I am now?”


Short answer: No. This is just one chapter.


The real deal: Your body is adjusting to new hormonal signals. Metabolism slows. Inflammation can spike. But this isn’t a death sentence — it’s data. Use it.


What actually helps:

  • Ditch diet culture. Fuel like a grown-ass woman.

  • Eat 100g+ of protein a day

  • Walk like it’s your job

  • Lift heavy (start slow, but start)

  • Stretch, hydrate, forgive yourself often


9. Sex Gets Complicated


Maybe your libido peaces out. Maybe sex hurts. Maybe you feel disconnected. Maybe you suddenly feel more alive. It’s confusing.


Estrogen and testosterone drop, and your pelvic tissues thin. Add stress, body image shifts, and fatigue? It's a whole recipe.


What helps:

  • Vaginal estrogen cream (a miracle, truly)

  • Lube — the fancy kind for you straight ladies

  • Honest convos with your partner

  • Solo exploration if partnered sex feels overwhelming


Your desire isn’t gone. It’s just sleeping. You get to wake it up on your terms.


10. You Might Question Everything


Your job, your marriage, your friendships, your purpose — suddenly it’s all under a microscope. You feel restless, lost, hungry for change.


This isn’t a breakdown. It’s a breakthrough.


You’re waking up to yourself. It’s messy and uncomfortable — but wildly powerful.

Permission granted:


  • Burn what no longer serves

  • Build what calls to you

  • Say no, say yes, say goodbye

  • Redefine everything


Your Unfiltered Cheat Sheet: Surviving Perimenopause


Symptoms you’re NOT imagining:

  • Rage

  • Night sweats & hot flashes

  • Brain fog

  • Random body odor

  • Insomnia

  • Anxiety

  • Weight gain

  • Joint pain

  • Hair loss or growth

  • Libido shifts


What actually helps:

  • Track your symptoms

  • Get bloodwork (thyroid, iron, D3, hormones)

  • Eat more protein and fiber

  • Move daily — walking + weights are magic

  • Ask about HRT

  • Say NO without cushioning it

  • Rest like it’s your full-time job


Perimenopause Isn’t Pretty — But It’s Powerful

I won’t wrap this in a shiny bow. This season is hard. It’s raw. And it’s made me question everything — from my wardrobe to my worth.

But also? It’s made me stronger.


Perimenopause stripped me down to my bare parts and asked, “Who are you now?”

My answer? Still figuring it out — but damn proud of the woman rising from the wreckage.

So if you’re here too? Welcome. You’re not alone. You’re not broken. You’re not too much.

You’re becoming.


And if the world can’t handle that? Tell it to get out of your f*cking way.

Need real tools to fuel your fire? Check out these helpful guides:





 
 
 

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